


반성애자

by s-kiz (pigalle)



Series: dream glow [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Bang Chan-centric, Canon Compliant, Coming Out, Demisexuality, Dialogue Heavy, Fluff, Gen, Light Angst, POV Bang Chan, Sexual Orientation, Undefined Sexual Orientation, i dont know what to tag this with: the sequel, like really pretty light
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2020-05-01 23:37:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19187542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pigalle/pseuds/s-kiz
Summary: “I don’t understand why people have to constantly thirst after people they don’t know,” Chan mumbles in English, not meaning anyone to hear it.Of course, that’s why Felix comes into the room that very moment. “Oo, thirsting, what are we talking about?”“That’s not what I said.” Chan lets his head fall back again, giving up any kind of control over the situation at this point.“You did say thirst though,” Felix press on, squeezing himself down on the couch between Chan and Jisung — in the space that practically doesn’t exist.“I did also say I don’t understand why people constantly do it after people they don’t know. That’s just ridiculous, and also disrespectful.”“It’s not, how do you think people start dating each other, Chan-hyung?”“By getting to know each other!” He throws his hands out in exasperation, accidentally hitting one of the menaces.“What kind of world do you live in, hyung?” Jisung laughs. “You get to know each other by dating.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My excuse: I'm projecting and it's pride month.
> 
> The title is demisexual in Korean, because I can't come up with titles for the life of me.
> 
> A little playlist for this fic:  
> talk me down - troye sivan  
> dream glow - bts & charli xcx  
> the war - syml  
> i found - amber run  
> way down we go - kaleo  
> pieces - andrew belle  
> isle of flightless birds - tewnty one pilots  
> mixtape #4 - stray kids

Chan has curled himself up on the couch in the living room to work on lyrics. He had stared at the computer screen for close to half an hour before giving up. The dorm is quiet, just a low hum of conversation coming from one of the rooms.

He has a blanket around his shoulder, the notebook perched precariously on his knees that are curled up against his chest. He wants to feel small, feel engulfed, and it’s helping somewhat.

Except, the words does not want to come, either.

Chan sighs again, letting his head fall back against the back of the couch, the pen slipping from his fingers. He lets out another sigh, realising that the pen is most likely lost to the couch monster now.

“No, it’s true!” someone protests loudly, coming in through the front door.

Chan opens his eyes to stare at the ceiling for a few seconds before lifting his head to see who it is.

Jisung and Hyunjin are coming into the living room, seeming to be arguing about something.

“Well, I don’t believe you,” Hyunjin huffs, throwing himself down on the couch.

“But I did,” Jisung protests, again, loudly.

Chan sighs,  _ again _ , closes his eyes and wills the quiet to come back.

“What are you arguing about?”

“We’re not arguing!” Jisung defends, but Hyunjin says, “Nothing,” so Chan is inclined to not believe him.

“C’mon, spit it out.” Chan just wants the relaxing atmosphere to return, and it won’t as long as the two of them are arguing.

“Jisung-ah is trying to make me believe that he had two girlfriends in Malaysia before coming back here.”

“It was three, and not at the same time!”

_ Great _ , Chan thinks.  _ Dating _ . He’d been foolish enough to think that with the dating ban in their contracts that wouldn’t be something he’d have to deal with.

“Do you really have to argue about that?” It’s a stupid question, really, but he can’t help but want to know.

“But he won’t believe me!” Jisung whines, throwing himself down on the couch, too, landing almost on top of Chan. “I really did have three girldfriends.”

“That’s not really much of an achievement, though.”

“You’re the one who said two!”

_ Since when is having a girlfriend an achievement? _ Chan can’t help but wonder. He’d rather not be a part of this.

“You said you were experienced and knew how to ask someone out!” Hyunjin shoots back. “Like you could help me with noona.”

“‘ _ Noona’ _ ?” Chan startles upright. “You know we can’t date! Also, having a girlfriend shouldn’t be an  _ achievement _ .”

“There’s just this really cute trainee noona,” Hyunjin says.

“Have you even talked to her?” Chan asks, closing his eyes again.

“Of course he hasn’t.” Jisung answers for Hyunjin. “That’s where I come in with my expertise.”

“ _ God, straight people _ ,” Chan mutters under his breath in English. He’s not sure if he means the two of them, or society in general. Like, Straight People™. Probably the second option. Most likely that.

“She looks sort of like Sunmi-sunbaenim and Momo-sunbaenim.”

“So that’s why you’re interested in her? Not because of her personality?” This is starting to feel like every badly set up straight romance in like any kind of movie.

“Well, I don’t know her personality.”

Yup, there it is. “You can make friends with her, but you can’t date, okay?”

“But, hyung,” Hyunjin starts protesting, but it turns into a whine when Jisung attacks him.

“ _ I don’t understand why people have to constantly thirst after people they don’t know _ ,” Chan mumbles in English, not meaning anyone to hear it.

Of course, that’s why Felix comes into the room that very moment. “ _ Oo, thirsting, what are we talking about _ ?”

“ _ That’s not what I said _ .” Chan lets his head fall back again, giving up any kind of control over the situation at this point.

“You did say  _ thirst _ though,” Felix press on, squeezing himself down on the couch between Chan and Jisung — in the space that practically doesn’t exist.

“I did also say I don’t understand why people constantly do it after people they don’t know. That’s just ridiculous, and also disrespectful.”

“It’s not, how do you think people start dating each other, Chan-hyung?”

“By getting to know each other!” He throws his hands out in exasperation, accidentally hitting one of the menaces.

“What kind of world do you live in, hyung?” Jisung laughs. “You get to know each other by dating.”

“Well, either way,” Chan says, locking eyes with Hyunjin, “we can’t date, so get to know her without dating.”

“You’re no fun, hyung,” Hyunjin whines.

A silence settles over them, letting Chan breath out. Finally. He tries to go back to writing lyrics, but the three boys are still there, practically on top of him, and the pen is still gone. He finds himself just staring at what he’s written so far instead. Until—

“Hyung, is that like … a gay thing?” The question comes from Hyunjin.

Chan sighs again, a deep one. “No, it’s a ‘why has society decided that you need a romantic relationship to be happy in life’ thing.”

“Why would you not want a relationship? It’s the best!” Hyunjin sounds genuinely upset. Great, this is the exact thing Chan didn’t want to have to deal with.

“I didn’t say I don’t want a relationship,” Chan starts explaining. “I just don’t want it with some random person I don’t know, and I don’t think it’s necessary to have one to be happy. That’s just unhealthy — you should be able to be happy regardless of if you have a partner or not. There are more than just romantic relationships in life. Like, does friends not mean anything?”

“Oh, wait!” Felix says, sitting up straight. “ _ Like asexuality, right _ ?”

Well, at least he’s on the right track.

“ _ Kinda, I guess _ ,” Chan answers. “ _ Except I’m demi _ .”

“What’s that?” Hyunjin asks, looking genuinely curious.

But how does Chan explain it in Korean, when he had barely even been able to find a word for it in Korean?

“It’s ‘demisexual’ in Korean, I think,” he says, hesitantly. “I don’t really feel attraction towards someone without getting to know them first. Sure, in the future I’d like a relationship with someone, but I can’t exactly just picture myself in one. It’s not important right now. I have my family and my friends.”

The silence that settles feel uncomfortable, at least to Chan. He tightens the blanket around his shoulders, burrowing into its warmth. The comfort it brought before is gone, left is only a cold, empty feeling, making him frown.

The silence stretches on, none of the boys looking at him, instead looking at each other or anything of interest in the room. It makes something coil deep in Chan’s gut.

“I need to get some work done, and I lost my pen,” he says and stands up. “I’ll see you at dinner.”

“Hyung—” someone calls after him, from the sound of it Felix. He doesn’t stop to see what he has to say, instead goes to his room. Admittedly one that is also Hyunjin’s room, but the boy in question doesn’t follow him.

He works for a while, actually managing to get some lyrics written before moving to his computer. That too is somewhat productive work, if yet slow. It’s probably been a few hours by the time the door opens.

“Hyung.” The word is hesitant, but it’s neither of who Chan had guessed would come seek him out.

“Jisung-ah said you holed yourself up in here,” Minho says, settling down next to Chan by the desk.

Chan just hums in answer. Whatever Minho’s after, he’ll get to it eventually.

“He also said you just abruptly left them in the living room.” Chan hasn’t looked at Minho, but he can feel his gaze on him.

“Had to work,” Chan replies.

“They asked me to talk to you.”

He’s not really surprised. If it is Jisung, he’d most likely ask Minho to talk to Chan. Not because Minho has a deeper connection to Chan or is better at talking to him or anything like that, but just because Jisung is Jisung so he usually asks Minho to do things.

“Mhm.” Chan hasn’t taken his eyes off the computer screen, dreading what he’ll find if he looks at Minho. What, exactly, he’s dreading he can’t really tell. It could just be Minho looking troubled, making Chan want to explain everything that’s on his mind.

On second thought, maybe there is a reason Jisung asked Minho in particular to talk to Chan.

“They were being a bit confusing, the three of them,” Minho explains, “but they didn’t understand why you just left.”

“They weren’t saying anything, and I had to work.” There’s a defiant tone in his voice, one he knows Minho is picking up on.

“They didn’t know what to say, and thought you had more to explain.” Minho paus slightly before continuing. “They didn’t mean to upset you, they’re just a little confused.”

Deep down, Chan knows that. Really, maybe not even particularly deep down. They’re all good boys, wouldn’t want to intentionally hurt Chan.

“They weren’t saying anything, though,” Chan says, letting his hands slump down onto his lap.

“Hyung, it’s okay.” Minho carefully puts a hand on Chan’s shoulder, squeezing lightly.

“I know.” Chan can only whisper, for some reason. He knows the words are true, but for some reason it still feels really good to hear them.

“Felix-ah said that he’d look up explanations in English to help you tell them, if you want him to. They just want to understand.” The pause that follows feels heavy with something unsaid. Minho moves his hand to lay his whole arm around Chan’s shoulder. “The … climate of the Korean society makes it hard for that thing, you know? It’s all just you need to find someone to marry to have children. There's not really much room for anything else.”

“I know,” Chan repeats. He feels bad that anyone has to grow up in that environment, that they have to constantly feel that pressure.

“It’s just new to them.”

“Not to you?” Chan can’t help but ask.

“I guess,” Minho begins, “it’s not as new. I don’t think I’ve heard that exact word before, but I know about asexuality. It’s part of the community, you know?”

Chan thinks he knows, but he doesn't want to go assuming things. “Probably. Do you want to still tell me?”

Minho let out a little chuckle, one that makes a smile tug at Chan’s lips.

“Well, I know I like guys. More than that… Labels are so restricting sometimes, don’t you agree?”

Chan nods. “Yeah. I like demisexual, because I really feel it fits me, and it’s nice to have something tangible to think of it as. But that doesn’t say anything about what gender I like.”

“Sometimes you just gotta let yourself exist, outside any box.”

Chan hums, knocking his head gently against Minho’s when he lays his head on Chan’s shoulder. He likes that. It’s a good thing to live by.

“You’re so tense, hyung,” Minho says, once again moving his arm, this time to squeeze Chan’s neck. “You need a massage.”

“Are you offering?” Chan finds himself asking.

“Go lay down on my bed,” Minho says in lieu of answering, and leaves the room.

Chan does as told, laying face down on the bottom bunk. A massage does sound pretty good.

The door opens again a few moments later, but the voice saying, “Hey, hyung,” isn’t Minho’s.

“I heard someone ordered a massage,” Felix says, settling down on the bed beside Chan’s hip.

Well, that does make sense. Felix is the one that’s really good at giving a massage, and Chan guesses that he ought to talk to him, and Jisung and Hyunjin as well.

“Sorry for just walking away,” he settles for saying as Felix starts kneading his shoulders. “You just weren’t saying anything, and I had to get away, you know?”

“I’m sorry for that.” Felix finds a particularly sore spot, making Chan whine slightly. Felix chuckles and attacks the spot a little more gently. “I guess we just didn’t know what to say, and sort of expected a little more of an explanation.”

Chan winces again, but this time at the words. “It’s hard to talk about for me. It feels so awkward to explain what demi means, because I have to talk about not really wanting to have … you know. I don’t even think about that, so how am I supposed to talk about it?”

“It’s okay, hyung,” Felix murmurs, squeezing Chan’s shoulders lightly, as if in comfort.

“I know it is,” Chan hurries to say, “I just usually doesn’t think about it, you know? Just like… straight people don't constantly think about being straight. Or at least I assume they don’t. It’s just an integral part of who you are.”

“Does that mean you’re not straight?”

Chan feels himself tense under Felix’s hands before forcing himself to relax. “Huh?”

“You said ‘straight people’ and ‘they’,” Felix explains, “as if you’re not straight. Like, I understand that you can be demi and straight, but it doesn’t seem like you are?”

Chan realises at that point that the conversation has spiraled out of his control, but it might also not be such a bad thing. Felix is being so calm about it. “Yeah,” he murmurs into the pillow.

It hits him then that it’s the second time this day that he’s said that, and that four more people know about him being demi now. He’s only said it a very few times before, but … he knows that he can trust the members. That it wouldn’t be all bad if they were to know. Know about all of it.

“I think maybe I should tell the others, too.” He’s almost surprised at the words, even though it’s him saying them. “I already told Minho-ya, about not being straight.”

“Jisung-ah told him what you said about being demi.”

“Yeah, I figured as much,” Chan sighs, “but he shouldn’t have. It’s not his place to decide who knows if I don’t say he can tell people. But I’m not mad at him.”

“You should tell him, later,” Felix says, massaging down Chan’s spine. “I don’t think he meant to do it, he was just worried about you.”

“You worry too much, all of you.” His muscles are starting to relax, melting down into the mattress.

“It’s because you make us worry. You care so much for us that you forget yourself sometimes. That’s why you’re so tense.” He emphasises his words by squeezing down on Chan’s shoulders again, that have loosened up, but are admittedly still pretty tense.

“Maybe you can tell them at dinner, get at least one thing off your shoulders. They could do with losing some pressure.”

That’s … “I don’t think I can tell all of them at once, though,” Chan frowns. “That feels too awkward. Just offhandedly saying it at dinner… I don’t know.”

“You don’t have to!” Felix hurries to say. “It was just an idea.”

“I know, it’s alright.” He’s starting to feel a little tired. He didn’t sleep very well last night, and laying down in bed while getting a massage isn’t helping.

Felix notices, too. “Get some sleep, hyung. We’ll wake you up for dinner.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t mean for there to be angst, I’m sorry!!
> 
> I think I’m gonna make one more chapter. It wasn’t supposed to be more than a one shot, but there are many things it wasn’t supposed to be, and yet, here we are. I'll leave it as unfinished for now.
> 
>  I went on a long freaking research trip just to find demisexual in Korean because every dictionary I tried was useless. Long story short, knowing Japanese was VERY helpful, and the maybe possibly Korean word for bisexual is probably not that because it gave me like so many pic results for Jungkook???  
> So, yes, if you wonder about a sexuality name in Korean, Japanese and maybe even Chinese? I've probably found it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **The Disaster Gay™ agenda:**  
>  Chan, frustrated: im not “gay”, im just “not straight”  
> Also Chan, like 10 minutes later: im gay

“Hey, Channie, wake up.”

A soft voice lulls Chan out of the depths of sleep, pulling him from the haziness of his own mind. He doesn’t really want to wake up, though.

“Are you feeling better?” Woojin asks. “I heard you had a fight with Hyunjin and the twins.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Chan huffs, feigning ignorance.

Woojin chuckles at him, settling down on the edge of the mattress. “Minho-ya rattled you out.

“That brat,” Chan jokes. Really, he’s not mad at him.

“Anyway, dinner is almost done.” Woojin gets up to leave, but Chan reaches out a hand to stop him.

“Woojinah-hyung.”

Woojin huffs out a laugh — Chan doesn’t usually call him hyung, but he likes to tease him with the running gag the kids have with the double terms — but sits back down. “Yeah?”

“Can I tell you something?”

“Of course,” Woojin assures him. “You know you can always come to me about anything, right?”

Chan nods and sits up, making a blanket he doesn’t remember covering him pool at his hips. “Yeah. You too.”

“So, what’s up?” Woojin asks, shifting on the bed so that Chan can throw his legs over the edge.

“It’s about the thing with Hyunjin-ah and the twins.” They sometimes jokingly call Felix and Jisung that, seeing as they’re practically born the same day, and are just as chaotic both of them.

Woojin hums in acknowledgment.

“It wasn’t really a fight,” Chan says, staring down at his hands clasped in his lap. He can’t make himself look at Woojin. “I told them … something, and when they didn’t say anything, I just got up and left. I shouldn’t have done that, but… I couldn’t stay there either.”

Woojin doesn’t say anything, he too, but it doesn’t feel uncomfortable this time. It’ll be okay, Chan tells himself.

“They started talking about dating. Did you know that Hyunjin-ah is interested in one of the trainees?” He’s stalling, he knows, but he just needs some time to gather his courage. To tell Woojin about all of it.

“I’ve heard about it,” Woojin says. “I’m pretty sure he’ll lose interest soon.”

Chan chuckles at that. That’s good, at least. “Well, we started talking about dating, I guess, and I told them about … me.”

He doesn’t really know how to explain it, can’t find the right words.

“Take your time, I’m here.”

He takes a deep breath and says, “I’m demisexual,” as he exhales. “I don’t really feel attraction to people without knowing them first. I guess I didn’t do a good job at explaining it to them, and that’s why they didn’t say anything.”

“I’m sure they didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” Woojin assures him, “they probably just didn’t know what to say. To be honest, I don’t really either.”

“It’s okay, thanks for being honest.”

“Always, Channie.” Woojin lays his hand on Chan’s shoulder and squeezes it.

“There’s one more thing.” It’s barely above a whisper, but Chan needs to get it out before he loses courage. “I already told Minho-ya, and Felix-ah, about it. I’m not straight. I wouldn’t say I’m gay, but I’m not straight.”

“Oh,” Woojin exhales. “Maybe you’re bisexual?”

The muscles that had tensed at Woojin’s “oh” relaxes. “I’ve thought about it, but I’m not sure. I’m just not straight. Minho-ya said something, that it’s okay to exist outside a set box or label. I liked that.”

“That’s fine then, isn’t it?” Woojin says. “If you’re just happy with it?”

“Huh,” Chan voices, sitting back. “I never thought of it that way, that it could be that simple.”

“You’re too stuck up in that head of yours.” Woojin chuckles, gently knocking his knuckles against Chan’s temple. “But really, dinner is almost done now. I left Minho-ya to round up the kids, so I don’t think he’ll be very happy if we’re late.”

Chan smiles, his chest feeling light, as if a pressure he hadn’t realised was there has been lifted. “Okay.”

 

~~~ 半 ~~~

 

After dinner, he asks Hyunjin and Jisung to stay back. They glance nervously at each other before looking at Felix for help. It makes Changbin look weirdly at all of them, looking about ready to butt in.

“It’s about earlier, you don’t have to worry.”

They nod hesitantly, as if maybe they think Chan is mad at them. Chan sighs, and turns to Felix. “Can you stay, too?”

Felix nods happily with a smile, and throws an arm each around Hyunjin and Jisung.

They move into Chan and Hyunjin’s room, Chan closing the door behind him. Felix drags his two friends to sit down on Seungmin’s bunk, leaving Chan standing by the door before he moves to sit down on Minho’s bunk.

“I’m not mad at you, don’t worry,” he assures them. “I just wanted to talk to you about it, since I just walked away. And tell you one more thing, that Felix already knows.” He smiles at them, and can see how their shoulders slowly relax.

“First, though, Jisung—”

“Yeah?” Jisung squeaks and jumps in place, held down only by Felix’s arm, cutting Chan off.

“I’m not mad at you, but you should still know that you shouldn’t have told Minho, not without my permission. It’s my thing to decide when someone knows. I understand that you were worried, and I ended up telling him about what I’ll tell you now, so it’s not really a big deal. This time.”

“I’m sorry, hyung,” Jisung says, staring down at his lap, arms practically curled around himself.

“Just remember it in the future, yeah?” Chan smiles, hoping to reassure Jisung. “Especially about the next thing. That might not … be so good if just whoever found out.” He can’t help but wince at the unavoidable PR-crisis that would result in.

“So you _are_ gay, hyung?”

When Chan moves his gaze from Jisung to Hyunjin, said boy has his hands clasped over his mouth, as if he hadn’t actually meant to say that.

The sight is so funny he can’t help but laugh a little at it. Seemingly, that actually calms Hyunjin, if him letting his hands fall to his lap is an indicator.

“Well,” Chan starts saying, “I wouldn’t say I’m gay, but I’m not straight. As well as being demisexual.”

“But what does that mean?” Hyunjin seems braver now, momentarily having forgotten his previous embarrassment.

“It just means I’m not straight,” Chan explains, trying to stay patient even though tendrils of a sour feeling has begun swirling around in his stomach. “In English you could call it _queer_ if you want, but some people don’t like that word. I’m not sure what it would be in Korean.”

“So is that you?” Hyunjin insists.

Chan sighs and gently tells him, “No, Hyunjin-ah, I’m not straight, that’s just it. I don’t have a label for it.” He can sort of understand the need Hyunjin feels to have a label to put on it, but it’s still frustrating trying to make him understand. He can’t imagine having to do this with all the members present.

After a moment’s thought he says, “Listen, Hyunjin, sexuality is a spectrum, not something set and defined. But humans like to label stuff and put it in a clearly defined box. It’s just that it doesn’t always work out like that. This with me being an example of that.”

Hyunjin stares down at his lap, not meeting Chan’s gaze. He doesn’t know if that’s bad or not, and he hates what the uncertainty does to him.

“I haven’t met someone who’s gay before,” Hyunjin whispers eventually.

Chan thinks about Minho and says, “I’m sure you have, you just don’t know it.”

“Yeah!” Jisung pipes in, his voice like the times he pretends to be confident (Chan knows him almost too well, sometimes). “You know Chan-hyung, and you didn’t know he’s gay!”

Chan suppresses the urge to sigh, but it’s a close one. “I’m ‘not straight’, Jisung-ah, not ‘gay’.” There’s a bite to his tone, but the frustration paired with uncertainty is tearing at his nerves. He’s not sure he can actually do this much longer.

He sort of wants Minho to be there to help him.

Instead, he looks to Felix for support, but said boy doesn’t seem to know what to do. Really though, Chan can’t expect that off of him.

This time, Chan sighs. “I wanted you to know, and, I’ll be telling the rest of the members, too. It doesn’t mean you have to go around talking about it, but you don’t have to feel like you need to keep a secret from the rest of them.” He looks at all three of them before adding, “I will let all of you know when I have talked to everyone though. For now, I guess, do you have any questions?”

It’s the first time he’s come out and it’s really been like this. Where he feels the need to prompt the other person to ask questions so he can explain himself better. It feels exhausting.

“So, like, what do you mean with ‘not straight’?” Jisung asks, after the silence has been marinating for some moments.

Right. “Just that,” Chan tries, once again, to explain. ”It really just means I’m not straight. I wouldn’t describe myself as a man exclusively attracted to women, so therefore I’m not straight.”

“Is it, like, a thing with being, uh, demisexual, or is it just you — personally?” It’s a reasonable question for someone who doesn’t know, Chan will give Jisung that.

“Just me,” he answers, “but I guess there are more people who feel the same, but they don’t necessarily have to be demi as well.”

“Hyunjin-ah,” Felix suddenly says, “would you say that me and Chan are the exact same?”

“Of course not!” Hyunjin hurries to say. “Why would I think that?!”

“Because we’re both Australian,” Felix explains, but then pauses, frowning. “Wait, that didn’t work like I wanted it to. Nevermind.”

“I think I know what you might be after,” Chan says, frowning he too. “Could you put both of us under the label ‘Australian’ and have that label exactly explain one type of person?”

“Oh.” Chan can see Hyunjin’s eyes widen, as if catching on. “No, because it’s hard to place people in a type of label that means an exact thing, because it doesn’t always fit everyone.”

“Exactly!” Chan exclaims, feeling a smile creep onto his lips. “That’s exactly what I think with the whole not being straight thing. I could maybe — maybe — use bisexual, but it doesn’t really feel right. No label except demisexual really feels right for me personally, so I don’t use them.”

“It’s stupid that you need to put a label on it when you’re not straight, but not when you are straight.” When Chan turns to Felix, the other boy is pouting. “It feels unfair that you have to come out, but straight people don't.”

“Well, I can’t do much about society deeming straight to be the default,” Chan sighs. It feels like that’s the only thing he’s done today. Is it possible to run out of sighs?

“You could write music about it,” Jisung suggests, “like we’ve done about other things.”

Chan shakes his head at the hopeful feeling blooming in his chest. “I don’t think JYP would allow us that, unfortunately.”

“You’ll just have to be subtle about it, hyung!” Jisung is smiling now, and Hyunjin also seems to have cheered up. Chan feels a smile play at his lips, happy that it seems the situation has been fixed.

“I should have a shower before going to bed,” Chan says and stands up. “Remember you can come to me any time if you have any questions or need to talk, yeah?”

They nod, so he takes that as an okay to go. As he waits for the water to heat up he stares at his face in the mirror. He doesn’t really have much energy left for the day. No way he could do what he just did again. It’s not that he’s expecting the others to be as mentally tiring to come out to, but he can never be too sure. He’ll just do it tomorrow, he decides.

Yeah, that’s a plan.

 

~~~ 性 ~~~

 

As it is, an opportunity to do it doesn’t come until the evening the next day, after they’ve had dinner and he’s managed to find and get Changbin alone in the latter’s room.

“So, what did you want, hyung?” Chanbin asks, plopping down on the chair by the desk.

“I need to tell you something.” Chan remains standing, too fidgety to sit down.

“Has something happened? Hey, why are you so nervous, is it something bad?”

Chan laughs humorlessly. “I hope not.” God, he’s being too emotional.

“Hey, I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think it is.”

Chan appreciates the effort, but in the end it’s really on Changbin whether what Chan has to say is bad or not. He stares at his hands, willing them to stop shaking.

“I’m gay.” It takes him a few seconds to realise that it was him who said the words. “Shit, wait, I’m not!”

Changbin stares at him, a confused wrinkle on his forehead, one eyebrow raised. “What?”

Chan sighs (again? He really gotta stop doing that) and says, “What I meant to say is that I’m demisexual. And not straight.” In defeat, he slumps down on the bottom bunk. “I just had this argument with Jisung and Hyunjin and now I go and say it myself?” he mutters, mostly to himself.

“Hyung, sorry, but what the fuck?” Changbin sounds genuinely confused, which is the only thing keeping Chan from bolting from the room. “What are you talking about?”

Chan sits up straight and finally turns to Changbin. “So, I’m demisexual. It basically means I don’t get attracted to people without knowing them first. And I’m not really interested in sex.” He cringes at himself, still finding that so awkward to talk about. “I’m also not straight. I don’t really think any label fits me, which is the whole discussion I had with Jisung-ah and Hyunjin-ah trying to get them to understand. I’m not gay, but I’m definitely not straight either.” He pulls a sigh of relief, not having realised how good it would feel to just get to say that to someone.

“Is that why they looked like kicked puppies yesterday at dinner?”

Chan laughs awkwardly, scratching his neck. “No, that was because they thought I was mad at them because I basically ran out of the room after having first told them I was demisexual. That’s why I wanted to talk to them after dinner.”

“They can be pretty dumb, so I can see why you felt like you had to get away from them.”  There’s something about the way that Changbin says it that, just, washes over Chan like a wave of soft blankets. It sounds so matter of fact, as if Chan’s reaction was okay — unfortunate that it had to happen, but okay.

“They really are, huh?” He smiles, feeling light once again.

“Not that you can’t tell me anything when you want to,” Changbin starts asking, “but why did you feel like you _had_ to tell me about this?”

“After the whole thing with Hyunjin-ah and the twins, I thought I should let everyone know. So you didn’t have to … feel like you needed to keep a secret from each other.”

“Have you told everyone already?”

“Not Seungmin-ah and Jeongin-ah.”

“So I’m almost last?” Changbin teases. “Who’d you tell first?”

“About all of it? Minho-ya.”

“Of course you did!” Changbin laughs.

“What’s that supposed to mean?!” Chan whines, falling back on the bed.

“That you’re partial to him and Woojin-hyung.”

“I’m not!” Chan protests and sits up.

“Yes, you are, when it comes to confiding in someone. But when it comes to giving someone the last piece of food, that’s Jeongin-ah.”

“Well of course it is, he’s a baby!”

Changbin barks out a laugh at that. “You’re actually partial to all of us, just in different situations. Like, I know you miss home sometimes, but you only talk to Felix-ah about that. But that’s okay! You should be able to rely on all of us when you need to. We’re here for you.”

That's probably the most heartfelt thing Chan has ever heard Changbin say to him. He’s not tearing up, you are.

“Hyung—” Changbin sounds almost panicked, but there’s no reason for that, right? “Are you crying?”

“No,” Chan denies, sniffing.

“Why are you crying?!” He’s reached up to pat underneath Chan’s eyes with his sleeves, his eyes opened wide.

“I’m not. I just love you so much, you know?”

“Hey, hyung, I know,” Changbin says, still patting Chan’s cheeks. “No need to cry.”

Chan sniffs again, this time deeper, shaking his body. With a little wail he buries his face in a startled Chanbin’s neck.

“Hyung!”

Chan can barely form any coherent thoughts, so how is he supposed to explain himself? Instead he keeps sniffing, wetting Changbin’s neck and shirt in the process.

Changbin starts rubbing his back, at first slowly, hesitantly, but when Chan visibly calms down he starts rubbing in earnest.

The door to the room opens and Chan can from the corner of his eye see a head stick inside. “Changbin-ah, did Chan-ah find you? He was look—” Chan hears Woojin cut himself off with an almost distressed sound.

The door clicks closed, so Chan assumes Woojin has stepped inside the room. “What’s going on? Did something happen?”

“Hyung, help me,” Changbin whines. Chan can feel the vibrations of it from where he’s pressed against Changbin’s neck.

He lets out a wet cuckle, his tears finally calmed down, and detaches himself from Changbin’s neck. “I just got a little emotional.”

“No kidding,” Changbin mutters, prompting Chan to playfully slap his arm.

“That’s no way to talk to your hyung.” The fake threat holds no power considering his voice is still stiff and wet from tears.

“So,” Woojin voices, “I guess it went okay?” He’s directing it to Chan, but is keeping an eye on Changbin.

“Yeah,” Chan nods. “It’s all fine. I just love all of you so much, you know?” Oh god, he’s tearing up again.

“Hey, no need for more tears,” Woojin chastices softly, no heat to the words. “We’re always here for you, remember that.” He’s stepped forward, and is now reaching up to dry the few stray tears that have escaped and are trailing down Chan’s cheeks.

“Yeah, I know, and I for you.”

 

~~~ 愛 ~~~

 

The realisation that he’s forgotten to tell Seungmin and Jeongin, even though he’s said he’ll tell everyone, comes a few days later, when he’s talking to Minho during a break in their dance practise.

Minho plops down next to where Chan is resting against the mirror. Most of the others are collapsed practically in a pile in the middle of the room.

“So,” Minho begins, “have you thought about coming out to the rest of them?”

“I already have, actually,” Chan says, but can’t help but feel that something isn’t right. “Both about being demi and not straight.”

“Oh?” Minho voices, sounding interested. “To all of them? Without saying anything to me?” He pouts as if offended, but Chan can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong.

“Shit!” he shoots upright, disturbing Minho who had leaned against him. “I forgot about Seungmin-ah and Jeongin-ah!”

Minho just laughs at him, which, Chan should expect at this point, really. Eventually, he calms down and says, “They asked me if I could help them with some dance, so we’re going to stay later today. You could borrow them to tell them if you want.”

Chan nods. “Maybe… how about I join you instead?”

“You want me to be there when you tell them?”

“Yes, please.” Chan slumps back against the mirror, avoiding Minho’s questioning stare.

“Did it … not go well previously? Do I need to fight someone?”

“It just… it was kinda exhausting, when Hyunjin-ah and Jisung-ah just didn’t understand. Can you please stay and help me?” He looks up at Minho to pout with full effect, hoping that will help.

“God, you don’t need to pout,” Minho scoffs, feigning annoyance, but Chan can see him fighting a smile. “Of course I’ll stay, hyung.”

“Hey, I just have one question,” Chan says, tilting his head slightly. “You asked me if I planned on telling the others, but what about you?”

“Heh,” Minho cuckles, “got me there. I don’t know, but I should, shouldn’t I?”

“You don’t have to!” Chan hurries to say. “I was just curious.”

“But I should,” Minho says, determined. “Then I don’t have to be subtle all the damn time.”

“Maybe…” Chan says, hesistaring — what if Minho doesn’t like the idea? “you could tell Seungmin-ah and Jeongin-ah when I do? Since we’re already on the topic?”

“You sure about that?” Minho asks, looking surprised. “Wouldn’t that take the focus from you?”

“Yeah, no, I really don’t need that,” Chan frowns. “I sort of just wanna get it over with, you know?”

“Oh, sorry.”

“Hey, no, it’s not your fault,” Chan says, laying a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “It’s just been a little mentally tiring for me.”

“So, we just tell them together, yeah?” Minho smiles at him, stunning Chan for a moment. He really has a dazzling smile, Stays are right.

 

~~~ 者 ~~~

 

Chan’s working in the studio when the text comes from Minho.

 **Minho** : we’re getting ready now

With creeping nervousness he saves what little he’s managed to do and closes all programs on the computer. Jisung and Changbin are still working, headphones on, and haven’t noticed anything. He contemplates telling them he’s leaving, but he doesn’t want to disturb them. On the other hand, hell will probably break loose when they notice he left without saying anything.

Changbin being the closest, he’s the one to suffer Chan waving his hand in his line of vision. He must have been very into what he was doing because he jerks in surprise before nudging Jisung.

When they’ve both taken off their headphones Chan says, “I’m meeting up with Minho-ya in the dancestudio.” When Jisung opens his mouth to say something, most likely asking to join, Chan adds, “He’s going to help Jeonginnie and Seungminnie with some dancing,” with a pointed look.

Jisung glance at Changbin and asks, “Is it about… you know, the thing?”

“Yes, Jisungie,” he chuckles, “I’m gonna tell them about my sexuality.”

When Changbin doesn’t visible react at all, Jisung raises his eyebrows. “You’ve told Binnie-hyung?”

“Yeah,” Chan nods, “everyone but Seungminnie and Jeonginne.”

“Hyung cried.”

“Hey!” Chan shoots a betraid look at Changbin, but the other boy just smiles at him.

“Typical hyung,” Jisung says. “He’d like us to believe he’s all though and stuff, but he’s really just a soft koala.”

Changbin snickers at that, turning into him and Jisung laughing together. Chan gives up reprimanding them when they don’t listen to him, and instead heads out.

 _They’re so disrespectful_ , he thinks fondly.

He finds the practise room where Minho, Jeongin and Seungmin are in without trouble. They’re warming up when he steps in, Jeongin and Seungmin looking up at him in surprise.

“Are hyung joining us, too?” Seungmin asks.

“Nah,” Chan shakes his head, “I just have something to tell you.”

“Did you plan this?” Seungmin throws a betrayed look at Minho.

“Maybe,” he shrugs.

“Don’t worry, it’s nothing bad,” Chan assures them, going to sit down on the couch in the corner.

“If you think it is, I will fight you,” Minho threatens, making Seungmin and Jeongin glance at each other in worry.

“Please, behave, Minho-ya.” He pats the seats next to him and says, “Come sit down.”

He’d meant for Seungmin and Jeongin to sit down on either side of him, but Minho throws himself down against Chan’s side before they have even taken a step in the direction of the couch.

“Dude,” Chan groans, “not on me, please.” Minho huffs but moves so he’s only partially hanging off of Chan’s shoulder. Chan sighs — he’ll take what he can get.

Seungmin and Jeongin sit down on his other side, seeming both vary but also relieved to not have to sit next to Minho. Chan can sort of understand them — you never really know what Minho will do, especially when he’s in a mood like this.

“So,” Chan starts, “I wanted to tell you something that I’ve told everyone else.” Jeongin pouts, Chan guess that it’s from the implication that Chan waited to tell them because they’re the youngest. “I didn’t mean to tell you two last, it just turned out that way from how things started. It’s not got anything to do with you two being the youngest, yeah?”

Seungmin nods in understanding, Jeongin following after, if only just seemingly slightly sceptical. 

“Well,” Chan says, brazing himself, “I’m demisexual.” He plows on before anyone can say anything, “It means I don’t feel attraction to people without knowing them first, basically. And I’m not straight. I’m not using any labels for it.”

“Me too,” Minho chirps in, “but you can just think of me as gay if it’s easier, I don’t mind.”

There’s silence for a few moments before Seungmin says, “Are you two, like, you know, a thing?”

Chan and Minho looks at him in stunned silence for another few moments before Minho bursts into laughter.

“Seungmin-ah, you're hilarious,” Minho cackles. “Just because we both came out right now doesn’t mean we’re a thing! That’s the best thing I’ve heard today!”

“Am I really that undateable?” Chan finds himself asking before he can stop himself, a pout playing on his lips as he stares at Minho.

“Honey, no.” Minho shakes his head at him, his eyes shining with the same lights as when he’s exasperated with the kids. “That’s just really not it.”

Chan forces himself to turn away from Minho, before he can do something stupid like getting sucked into his eyes. He almost — keyword being almost — startles when he sees Seungmin and Jeongin next to him, having momentarily forgotten that they’re there. The look in Seungmin’s eyes tells him he’s not at all convinced.

“I’ll get back to the studio,”Chan says and stands up, realising that he’ll just make it worse if he stays and tries to defuse. “Good luck and be careful with dancing.”

“Be home early for dinner?” Minho asks, angling his head slightly to look up at Chan.

“Please?” Seungmin ads with his puppy eyes.

They know the combo will break Chan, he’s sure of it. They’ve won before they even started. “Okay, sure. I’ll tell Changbinnie and Jisungie, too.”

Chan pauses at the door and turns back to them. “Remember you can come to me if you have any questions, okay?” When the two of them nods he adds, “Don’t harass Minho-ya.”

Jeongin lets out an undignified squawk and protests, “I would never!”

Chan laughs as he leaves the practise room, the sound echoing off the walls in the otherwise silent hallway. He’s feeling good, realising that he hadn’t expected to be feeling this light after talking to them. Its close to leaving a guilty feeling in his stomach that he expected them to be like Jisung and Hyunjin. Not everyone is, he reminds himself, they were just trying to understand.

Changbin and Jisung looks up when he steps back into the studio. There’s a question in Changbin’s eyes, probably in Jisung’s too, but Chan is avoiding his gaze for some reason.

“I promised we’d be back home for dinner. I think they’re staying an hour or two to practise, so we can probably do that, too.”

Changbin stretches out his back and arms, smiling up at Chan. “Sweet, I was wondering how I was gonna trick you into letting us leave early.”

“Hey!” Chan protests as he sits down in his chair. “I’m not that impossible!”

“With work you are,” Jisung says matter of factly, nodding to himself.

“Whatever,” Chan mutters, settling back into his work. If he hurries getting into his focus, he can probably get a decent amount of work done before they have to leave.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have literally had one of my previous classmates say that she thought that people who like people of the same gender should date someone of the opposite gender and just be friends with the person they like, like … I… dude. And another classmate said he didn’t mind gay people but he wouldn’t want them to touch him even just a nudge…  
> This is in Sweden where same-sex marriage has been legal since 2009.  
> And then in biology class (our teacher didn’t think she knew a lot about sexualities and we did have some workshops about it in another class so we didn’t like “learn” anything about it in the biology class) we had like different questions related to it and we had to stand in one of four corners depending on our opinion. I don’t remember all of them, but one was what you’d think if you partner broke up with you to date someone of the opposite gender as you. Most people thought that like okay they’re gay so I know that’s why they broke up with me. Dude, bisexuality and the like exists. That class was very frustrating for me and I was only out to like two people in it so I didn’t feel comfortable to say like most of what I was thinking (I’m also pretty shy so that didn’t help).  
> But yeah! The opinions that straight people in a semi “sheltered” place (this time a small town) can have!
> 
> Okay! On to your regularly scheduled end note!  
> So, as I mentioned last chapter, this was supposed to be a one-shot. Now... this has a Banginho sequel planned!
> 
> If you're also reading my vamp Chan fic "A bloody mess", I am working on updates for that, it's just a little slow-going rn.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on:  
> [tumblr](https://s-kiz.tumblr.com/)  
> [amino](https://aminoapps.com/c/straykids/page/user/s-kiz/ng7z_rxsofVn712kdDeagPXrQNr55Ld4V0se)  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/s_k1z) (that i barely use)


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